Final Reflection: Race, Culture and Internet Brain Mush

Culture and psychology are two subjects that I have been extremely passionate about for as long as I can remember, probably because I was born into so much diversity.

I spent so much of my life trying to define who I was but I eventually came to the realization that people cannot be put into boxes and that who I am or who you are is:  fluid and every changing and doesn't need a label. The label, the box is just another way to separate all people: to conquer and to divide in order to weaken, like what was done to my Ancestors through slavery and what was done in Nazi Germany and what is being done in Quebec with language tensions. The media plays into the illusion that we are separate. Awareness is the the antidote. Paths are many- we are one.

I have had some difficult times during the duration of this class because I threw myself into research for our projects and also on a personal level. I had been especially interested in the Trayvon Martin case all summer long. I was saddened that the murder of a boy resulted in a media frenzy in which they continually attempted to character assassinate him and de-value the worth of his life.

I had already been doing so much research online to see what people think and write as well as reading empirical studies. Reading through countless online blogs and comments really effected my state of mind and I ended up quite downtrodden to be honest. There is a lot of hate, misogyny, racism and ignorance out there and it seems as if every hate monger had a blog and about 100 people happily willing to conform.

This week someone who was on my facebook (I have since de-friended them) posted a video from FOX news (which is notoriously historically and continuously super racist) in which they announced that Trayvon Martin was a violent drug addict. The evidence, the bag of Skittles and watermelon drink that he had in his possession when he was killed. He was apparently going to go home and cook up a new drug with the Skittles and Iced Tea. Also, the news report stated that he was a major fan of marital arts and spoke about wanting to fight an opponent- so it turns out that he wasn't an innocent teenager after all (that was the story). They then flashed some of his facebook pictures of him trying to look tough, they also alleged that he had smoked weed (can you imagine a teenager who smoked a joint.. wow how outrageous!!!!) etc....So in other words his whole life, his future, his 3.90 GPA, his community service and the fact that he had never been in trouble didn't matter- not than any 17 year old who is walking home from the store deserved to be followed and shot...but they are insinuating that somehow this kid was a demon and that he deserved to die.

I watched this video and nearly threw up! The boy is dead, his killer walks free and they will not let him rest in peace. They are still trying to find ways to make it okay somehow. Doesn't anyone find it odd that all of a sudden a bag of Skittles and a can of Watermelon Arizona Iced tea is equivalent to crack? Isn't it obvious how transparent and ridiculous this is!!!!! Doesn't anyone wonder why there was never a case of this candy and ice tea drug before the trial? And why is a teenage boy who liked martial arts a violent beast? If that were so, then cross culturally that would be more than half of every teen boy that I have ever met- and I worked with teen boys...so that's a lot! What bugs me is that people re-posted this on facebook and that there were "likes".It makes me disappointed in people.

It actually made me really sad and I'm de-branching from facebook and the internet for awhile...I prefer books anyway. I think that we are witnessing a new culture right now, a scary one. The culture of apathy. People that don't care, don't research, don't think critically or ask the right questions. It's a culture of facebook, twitter, iphone and posting a lot of nonsense. I fear for the future because there is a lot of dirt online and also many people ready to eat it up.

The Internet killed the encyclopedia! Literally, when I was a kid....we used to go to the library to do our research and my dad had tons of encyclopedias at home for us to go through. It makes me sad that so many kids today will never open an encyclopedia or a book for that matter unless they are forced too.

I'm concerned. The Internet is not only making us dumber, it provides an anonymous forum for hate, discrimination and ignorance. So the illusion that things are getting better and that people are less racist seems broken. A 30 second Cheerios ad featuring an inter-racial family caused so much hateful comments that it had to be removed by Cheerios. Doesn't this make you wonder if we are not taking mammoth steps backward from the Civil Rights Movement of the 60's and early 70's? I sadly think so. I also see it everyday- how bothered people are by my relationship. Life is a surprise and there is no way that anyone can know who they will end up with in a relationship(if they are open)- it's about love.

Click to see this adorable ad: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYofm5d5Xdw

Cultural competency came up a lot in this class and I agree with Wendy that no one can ever really know and understand everything about another persons culture and experience BUT we must be willing to learn and be open. If we can do that then we can eliminate many of the worlds conflicts.

I wish that people would question what they read in the media and see online. Many people have been stating that prisons are 70% filled with black inmates and that Trayvon was a criminal in the making although there is zero evidence to support that he was a troubled kid in any sense, this is based solely on skin color. I wish that people would consider the amount of falsified statistics out there, the incredible amount of discrimination in the so called justice system, the limited exposure of positive role models that many young American blacks have to deal with as a result of poverty, demographics, discrimination, numerous socio-economical and cultural factors that play an undeniable role in what so called minorities (I dislike the term minorities- because people of color are not a minority on this planet- it creates a hierarchy....I also hate the term third world for that same reason)  experience each day and how that shapes experience and outcome....People spew out these statistics all the time but lack true understanding.....

We had been asked the question once....are people becoming more or less intelligent? I think that we are becoming less intelligent, less sensitive and socially skilled and that too much TV, apps, gaming and social media plays a role. Technology can be like a crutch. I take myself as an example. In elementary school I was a top speller but since spell check my spelling skills have declined dramatically...all I do is input information and then press a button and I've been doing it for years. We've gotten lazy in doing, thinking and analysing. I think that collectively we could benefit from disconnecting somewhat from the mass of mis-information, information overload and technological over- stimulation. We are also getting so impatient! We expect to have everything at our fingertips almost immediately due to all of our many devices and sometimes we are too busy facing a screen to take a moment and face the person next to us or enjoy a gorgeous sunny day...that's tragic. When I was in Hong Kong it was very common to see a huge family enjoying dim sum but not one person speaking to another or even looking at each other- everyone was on a device, even the very small kids...as young as 3! We are almost as dis-engaged with our environments over here too....I recall the sad story of the teen who walked between two metro carts and died recently, she had been texting and didn't look up assuming that she was stepping into a doorway.

On a brighter note :)

I also think that it's important for to shift our attention and energy to ONENESS, unity and universals....and all of the positive, beautiful and amazing things that we gain from cultural diversity!!!!!I think that is the cure for discrimination and cultural incompetence.

It can be very difficult when you wear my cultural lenses which are tinted with many many stories of history, injustice and inhumane treatment...it's hard to not be always alert to discrimination of all kinds. I am also aware that this can create a pessimism that sadly can perpetuate the stereotypes that others may have...so I am renewing my commitment to myself to not be defeated...my ancestors did not bleed for me to be defeated.

The other day, I heard an amazing quote from Oprah who was talking about her most recent experience with racism...she was quoting Maya Angelou and it really stuck with me: she said that "your crown has already been paid for". I like that, to me it's a reminder that I don't have to shrink myself down and feel less of anything because of what someone else may or may not be expecting. We all wear a crown and have the same rights and dreams...no one is above anyone else. When downtrodden, I will remember this quote and pick myself up again. There is way too much good in the world to be burdened down with what is in the minds of others.

Overall, this class and our projects have been quite an illuminating and also a cathartic experience. I am very grateful that I am a part of this class. I am thinking about keeping the blog going because I have a lot to say, so many thoughts and I need an outlet. Thanks again!

PS : In addition to Americanah, I've added The Shallows to my reading list- thank you for the recommendation...can't wait to have some time!

What is the Internet doing to our Brains?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKaWJ72x1rI

Kids react to the controversial Cheerios ad:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VifdBFp5pnw

Are we de-evoling? Is there hope for us? Are we a new culture of mush-heads?

Spiritual Healing

Yesterday I received a telephone call from my dad that my aunt was in the hospital and that she had just had heart surgery! So I dropped my course work and went to see her with my dad and she looked pretty good and had quite the story to tell us (my dad, my self and her son (my cousin)).

My cousin Stephen who is a lawyer, a very analytical guy and an atheist, myself and my dad sat down to take in the story of what happened. Well it turned out that my aunt had a mild heart attack and almost flat lined in the hospital, minutes after having a surgical procedure done she was told that she would need another. She instead told her doctor that she didn't want another surgery and was ready to die and had made peace with herself. Her heart rate began to rapidly drop. She then asked the doctors to allow her friends who were waiting outside to come in the room as witnesses, they came in and started to panic as they saw the heart rate monitor close to flat lining. THEN THEY BEGAN TO PRAY PROFUSELY, AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS THEY PRAYED, AND PRAYED! One of them is a spiritual healer who began to perform energy moving rituals on my aunt waving her hands over my aunts body and praying in the name of Jesus so loudly that the hospital staff was taken aback. Then something ...possibly a miracle happened.....my aunts heart rate went back to normal, the doctors were in shock and said that they had never seen something like that. After an examination, she as told by her doctor that she did not need a second surgery and that she should keep on praying!

This lead to a huge discussion because for my cousin this was just a placebo and for myself and my dad it could have been a placebo or it could have been divine intervention but either way it worked and that is evidence the prayer is powerful. I'm just happy that my aunt is okay.

This whole real life scene, reminded me of the talk and movie presented by Dr. Ryder and the whole idea of spiritual healing. Did that scene with my aunt look as foreign and strange to the W.E.I.R.D. doctor who was in the room with her as the video seen in class may have looked to some students?

Spiritual healing dates way further back than modern medicine and it's something that I'm really accustomed to. My personal mantra is MEDITATION NOT MEDICATION. Since both of my parents are from Trinidad where natural healing through various roots, herbs, prayers and baths is very common...it doesn't seem strange to me at all that other forms of healing work. Though I am analytical,  I also believe in Chi, energy and spirit.

I also have countless personal experiences with alternative healing. When I was about 10 years old, I was given a bath in something called blue, it's a little compressed cube of blue powder that is believed to be sacred. This was to cleanse my aura in some way because I suffered from night terrors and insomnia after my parents divorced. I remember taking the bath which my mother prepared for me as she read  prayers....all I can tell you is that I felt clean and clear afterwards. My mother hand wrote a prayer on parchment paper and put it under my pillow then she told me that I would not have nightmares anymore and I didn't. I know that science can explain this as a placebo effect but science can't explain everything...who knows? I'm pretty open to various different possibilities and explanations about what actually caused my horrible nightmares to stop.

In our family when any of us move into a new home, we follow a tradition of energy clearing which consists of washing all of the walls, windows and floors- then using incense, sage or few candles to clear out the old energy and welcome in the new, a prayer can also be said. I always thought that every one did this until I realized that it was cultural  thing :) to me it was just the normal thing to do.

What my aunt went through also made me think of nurse Wendy who spoke about culture in the hospital and how important is was for hospital staff to develop cultural awareness. I also thought about how god, spirituality and religion is a huge coping mechanism among black people and I found some pretty interesting articles.

Here is one of them:

Black and White Differences in Religious Participation: A Multisample Comparison

Robert Joseph Taylor, Linda M. Chatters, Rukmalie Jayakody and Jeffrey S. Levin

Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion
Vol. 35, No. 4 (Dec., 1996), pp. 403-410
Published by: Wiley

Spiritual healing as a cultural construct

Videos: Cultural Conflict and Assimilation to Integrate

Cultural Conflict: In this video I candidly speak about my most recent experience with overt racism. I experience TONS of covert racism whilst doing online research, it's pretty horrible what people will say once they have a computer screen to hide behind, it's disturbing!

But it's been about 2 years since someone has actually said something to my face. I was verbally attacked by someone 30 minutes after our first cultural psychology class this summer, it was quite the mood kill to say the least (so I made a video about it to remember that day)

I talk about my experience:
.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEpNoEuFv5E&feature=youtu.be

Assimilate to Integrate: What's in a name?: I have always tried to NOT be lazy in pronouncing peoples given names and this says a lot because I worked for an international organization for 8 years and most of the names that I came across were very hard for my Anglo tongue to pronounce but I always tried. I often met people who would say to me "Hi, my name is Sambianmulibianathian but you can call me Sam". Being a hard head I would often keep a note of the persons phonetically written name but most of the time would still end up mangling their names terribly . Many people did  appreciate my effort of not shortening and Westernizing their names, or I hope that I did. I always thought that not doing so would make me lazy not very culturally sensitive/competent. If you ever read the book Roots by Alex Haley or saw the mini-series, you may recall the memorable scene in which the slave master attempted to strip Kunta Kente of his given name, re-naming him Toby brutally whipping him into submission. I don't know if my own cultural glasses make me hyper sensitive to these things or if I am just more knowledgeable about the deeper connotations of some of the things that others find simple...sometimes I feel that nothing is simple for me and wonder if I'm too complicated. Who knows?

I love my bf and feel really bad about calling him by his made up English name but I had already been calling him Eric for 6 months and it was too strange to suddenly call him by another name (though I have tried). He said that it's not a  big  deal to him though- he actually has 3 names that he uses: Eric, Guy (french name) and Qida which is only used by his mum and dad.

Eric VS Qida
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0B7VVte12k&feature=youtu.be

Move on up!

When my dad first came to Canada in 1973 he was treated horribly. Racism was more overt and in your face. He could not get a decent apartment and bus drivers would just drive past him if he was the only one waiting at the bus stop in the freezing cold. This hurts me because my dad is one of the most amazing people in the whole entire universe (yes I'm a daddy's girl). He is so intelligent, so wise, so kind, so gentle, so giving and so compassionate and he didn't deserve that.

For victims of racism there is no honey moon phase in the acculturation process. It's more like a slap in the face that keeps on slapping. My dad has been living in Montreal for 40 years now and he still calls Trinidad home and has never called Montreal home. There is only one reason for that: it's racism.

Yesterday some classmates spoke about stereotype threat and the examples of stereotypes that were used where that: African Americans are lazy and that African Americans are not intelligent. I wondered to myself when is it no longer considered a stereotype and called by it's true name: RACISM. Those stereotypes all stem from racism, it's pretty obvious to me. Blacks are not allotted the nice stereotypes like being shy or good in math for instance. It's usually about violence, crime or being lazy and dumb. So sad because it doesn't reflect reality. To tell you the truth, many blacks that I know work 3 TIMES harder than their non black counterparts to prove that they are NOT LAZY AND STUPID. Many of them have the burden of their ancestors who fought for freedom, the right to be educated and work and take their future much more seriously than many non-blacks.

Yeah, I really hate stereotypes. They bother me a lot! We are all so incredibly unique and cannot be boxed into ONE label...when will this fade away? I hope that my children will not have to deal with this, but then again they will be part of a new culture of multi-cultural hard to box in people..lol! Much harder than I am to box in. They will be that check box that says OTHER :) which is kind of liberating.

My dad told me that one of the little things that got him through the hardships was listening to the song enclosed which I listen to almost every day, it's: Move On Up by Curtis Mayfield, this song is so incredibly good...enjoy!

LISTEN:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Z66wVo7uNw

HUGGING IS HEALING

I am really loving doing this journal project, it is so much more than a class project to me, and I think that many other classmates feel the same way.... it's a way of truly expressing personal thoughts and experiences about culture and beyond. I've learnt so much for listening and speaking with other students and have come to many realizations about our differences and also our universals.

Yesterday I joined 7 of my classmates in giving out and receiving so many great FREE HUGS! It's actually something that I have always wanted to do. I'm a huge hugger and I have been restricted from being so "touchy feely" many times in my own life. In my old job working for a Diplomatic Mission I was unable to reach out and hug someone and whilst working with sexually abused children I was forbidden to hug them BUT I actually broke the rules and did hug them when they really needed a hug. Hugging, that need for human contact is one of the many things that is culturally universal.

About 3 years ago, I took a bus to Toronto to receive Darshan from AMMA (also known as the hugging saint).  She has hugged hundreds of thousands of people all around the world and her hug is said to be healing. I don't know how she does it to be honest, she travels the world and the lines of people waiting for her are insane. She hugged from 8am to 2am when I was in Toronto, but time slipped by in a weird way that day- as if there was no time.

I travelled alone, took the bus for 7 hrs, slept at a friends apartment then took another bus for 2 hrs, then I waited in line for about 6 hrs to receive my hug and it was SOOOO WORTH IT!!! I'd do it again in a second. I had no idea how I would get home but I didn't care, it was so powerful. When Amma first appeared, I experienced something completely unexpected: I instantly dropped to my knees and tears uncontrollably busted out of my eyes and I wept tears of joy. Her energy filled up the room, it was the energy of UNIVERSAL LOVE.

Her sacred hug is something that I cannot explain. She held me tight and whispered something in my ear that I did not understand but I felt so much pain and trauma lifted from me. After the hug I sat at her knees and looked up at her for about 20 minutes as she continued to hug people, I felt weak in the knees and also a sublime comfort that is difficult to express in words. This is an experience that I would recommend to all of those with an open heart and mind.

Jai guru AMMA, JAI AMMAJI!

AMMA- the hugging saint:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShPiwUmuceA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQ2LbniPkJU

Death and Dying (the sad story of Marvin)

The presentation by Wendy yesterday was really moving. I am so grateful that there are people strong enough to do that work. I would not be able to keep it together. It was also saddening for me. I actually did not sleep at all last night, remembering my dear friend who I miss infinitely.

Last summer one of my best friends died at the tender age of 33 and it's really tough sometimes. Marvin Anthony Williams and I went way back, we met as teenagers working in Trails End Camp and instantly hit it off. We became a group of four close friends who would remain close for a very long time.

Marvin was the absolutely funniest and I mean FUNNIEST person that I have ever had the privilege of knowing. I have never shared as many laughs, had as many deep conversations, sang and danced as much  with anyone as I did with him. He was also a fantastic cook who spoiled me rotten on many occasions with his super rich lasagna and his killer fried chicken...I can taste it now! We were roommates for years, yes we had our ups and downs BUT we loved each other like family....we were family!

He was BRAVE! Marvin was two things that tend to clash painfully, he was gay and black. Our community can be quite homophobic and it was not until our mid 20's that Marvin finally came out (though I had secretly known since we were teens). It was then that his already crazy life got turned upside down. Almost all of his friends turned on him. As a foster kid who spend his entire life trying to find his birth parents, he already had some serious abandonment issues and all of the wounds that went along with it. He also had an addictive personality since we were teens and it only got worse as the ugliness of homophobia exposed itself. He became immersed in an underground gay culture that entailed LOTS of drugs, sex and partying and I lost him. He lost himself.

I came home one day and found him smoking crack on my sofa and completely freaked out, I was LIVID. I'm sure that there was steam coming out of my ears!!!! I kicked him out and told him that if he didn't get clean that I couldn't watch him slowly destroy himself. He told me that I was overreacting and needed to relax, that he was only having fun and had it under control, but if you have ever known an addict you know that -that is the lie that they tell themselves before it all goes down hill fast. He tried to get clean but it never stuck and while he was using, he hurt, exploited and betrayed everyone that he loved. Including me. I cut ties with him, but would still get a random letter, phone call or msg through friend from him now and then. I told him that I forgave him for the horrible things that he did as an addict but needed him to get clean for us to be friends again. I had been burnt too many times, robberies, break ins etc.....I missed him a lot!

Fast forward in time and I hear that Marvin went to Vancouver and died alone on the street!!!! A drug overdose. I can't help but to think that if I was in his life that I would have been able to talk him out of going to Vancouver somehow....How could this be? The life of the party...die ALONE?

Worst, you were already cremated when I found out, I did not even get to see you one last time. this was not how it was supposed to end....dear Marv: I miss you everyday, no one gets our jokes, no one gets crazy silly with me anymore, no one speaks our private language, I have not laughed till I had a stomach ache in years, no one stays up all night having deep conversations and listening to music anymore with me- no one could ever replace you and hope that you will come and hang out with me in my dreams soon. Rest in Peace, BE FREE, my brother, my friend.

The Culture of masking our true culture

As we have discussed in class, cultures do not exist in a bubble! Within a culture there are many subcultures and within those subcultures there is so much individual difference.

This is maybe why I have a hard time finding my little niche. I'm multicultural and Afrocentric,very integrated and spiritual. I do not believe that a person needs to separate themselves from the larger community of humankind in order to have a relationship with their smaller communities such as: the black community, a sisterhood of women, the healing and spiritual community, the academic community and the anti-assimilation natural community.

What is exactly is the anti-assimilation natural community (or more simply put the natural community as we call it)?

Many black women have been coerced into believing that they are not naturally beautiful. This notion is the result of very complex and old psychological brainwashing that took place during slavery and continued on after it's aftermath (and still continues today). A striking amount of black women have been putting harsh chemicals on their hair to straighten it's texture since they were children and some also bleach their skin to lighten their skin tone. Others also wear light colored contact lenses in order to look more Caucasian. Natural black women do not do any of these things and also encourage other women of color to challenge outdated beauty standards and to embrace their natural beauty.

This issue doesn't exist only in black women, it's actually very widepread among non-white women who feel that the closer to white that they can look- the prettier they will be. In India skin bleaching is as common as face washing and there is a lighting ingredient in almost all skin products. Dark skin is seen as lower in the social hierarchy and this is reflected in the cast systems. If you enjoy Indian Bollywood movies, as I do, you may have also noticed that none of the leading ladies are dark skinned although many Indian women are brown skinned and not as light as the most famous Bollywood stars.

In China and Hong Kong, the women also shade themselves from the sun to avoid skin darkening and even more disturbingly go to great lenghts to widen their eyes. Eyelid surgery, which created the look of a rounder less Asian looking eye is HUGE and so is the sale and promotion of contact lenses with make the eyes look bigger and other invasive procedures to achieve a Western look.

As women, we all can obsess about our looks! I think that it's crucial to question where our beauty standards came from though- and why we are perpetuating them still today.

In the case of many black people, there is still a deep and secret self hate that stemmed from slavery and being treated as inferior ever since. It is a form of mental slavery which goes very deep and is hard to remedy. Today there is a new movement of natural black women who are attempting to let other women of color know that they do not have to assimilate their appearance to be beautiful. I hope that it catches because skin bleaching has grown even more popular as of late, instead of dying down.

View: The Montreal AFRO Natural Community (and some personal friends)
http://montreal.ctvnews.ca/black-women-encouraged-to-grow-an-afro-1.1142505


View: Selling the Skin Tone: The Skin Bleaching Phenomenon
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNwIZ_xHjm0


View: Shadeism Part1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6oaEHsdhOs


The amazing Angela Davis, humanitarian, author, professor, renowned speaker, Civil Rights Activist, feminist, former political prisoner ...wearing a huge Afro in the 70's: Sadly Davis had been unjustly incarcerated in this image hence the long face. (This image is from the Documentary: Black Power Mix tape).

Here I am with ANGELA DAVIS now age 69 (still wearing her natural hair but it's less giant...lol)....This photo was taken after an amazing lecture given last winter on everything from critical thinking, the government, sexism, racism, the media, food politics and homophobia...a dream was realized for me that day!

DIARY OF A MAD BLACK WOMAN: Class Particpation and Stereotype Threat

The other day I was reading our textbook (pages 400-405) and read a few paragraphs which explained that some students of Asian descent do not participate as much in class discussions as do students of European descent due having a different set of values about how they tend to acquire knowledge and express themselves (feeling that observing quietly is more respectful than speaking up). I found this to be extremely interesting on a personal level because, I do not think that this element of cultural disparity exists only in Asian cultures. I feel that this sort of be still and listen quietly attitude is also very deeply ingrained in the child rearing practices within many black cultures, especially within the West Indian cultures.

I can speak for myself as the child of two West Indian- Caribbean parents that listening and absorbing information does seem to be much more prized than speaking up. Speaking up is often seen as being "full of yourself" in many scenarios. It is often said within my culture that the one who speaks the most and the loudest usually has the least to say. I have realized that this way of being is counter productive in university classrooms at Concordia but it's a very hard habit to break.

As a student of psychology I have been doing what many do- study themselves! I have also been observing others quite a lot. This may not be a good idea but it's kind of inevitable. I realized that  there is another huge element to the cultural norms that may cause some people to speak out less and it's huge- it's stereotype threat.

I have a pretty high amount of public speaking anxiety myself (which is odd because I'm not really shy). I'm also extremely self conscious especially about NOT perpetuating the stereotypes of my community: such as the angry black woman or "ghetto" hood rat type. You know the "angry black woman stereotype": you see her on TV and in movies...she swerves her head and puts her hand up and will tell anyone off at the drop of a dime, yeah...I hate that stereotype and it's incredibly rampant!. Many many times I have been calmly expressing myself and have had other people begin to swerve their heads and snap their fingers and begin speaking in Ebonics in a mocking manner- which is so annoying.

This has been the story of my life, because I actually did grow up in what some would call a ghetto and there has been a certain expectation put on me about how I should talk, act, dress and who I should date. I have consciously done exactly what was NOT expected of a Little Burgundy Girl and absolutely hate all stereotypes that pigeon hole people. The burden of stereotype threat is really real! I didn't really know what that deep anxiety was or how to name it but it truly is a feeling of NOT wanting to look dumb, uneducated, ghetto or in my case like the angry black woman....it does cause my heart to race and an irrationally large amount of fear to be felt. I just want to be seen as everyone else is and not as my race first, though it is who I am...it's not all of who I am. You'd be surprised how many times, I've had people stop me in mid sentence to ask me... "where are you am from?" instead of listening to what I had to say. It sucks.

I have also been accused of being a hyper sensitive angry black woman many many times because I am sensitive to a lot of issues that are not within the consciousness or life experiences of many, such as more subtle forms of discrimination, sexism, racism and homophobia. I do speak out quite a lot and am very opinionated outside of the classroom atmosphere but have never felt comfortable doing it amongst my classmates of which I feel I have VERY different views and experiences. An example is after viewing the short film at the museum...everyone that I spoke to enjoyed it and so I didn't bother to explain why I hated it. I just journalled about it instead. See here is the problem for me: I'm sensitive to discrimination and ignorance- especially when it has to do with race, gender or sexual orientation BUT at the same time I'm not obsessed it with- what's beneath people is much more important to me, so I let a lot side when it's not malicious. On top of all of that, I'm very sensitive -empathic (not empathetic but that too) as to how others feel and often mute myself to not make others uncomfortable by my own intensity. Yup I feel much more complicated than many...and that I think too much but that's just me :)

Here's a couple real life examples in which stereotype threat kept me from expressing my thoughts in class: In an oral presentation given by a lady in our class, she closed by mentioning the Trayvon Martin trial. She said that for black people, it could have been a son, brother or nephew but that for white people, it was a case of a boy doing something that he wasn't suppose to be doing. In that moment- I was quietly livid and very disenchanted by that thought, which is why I didn't say anything...I don't want to be perceived as an angry black woman nor seemingly attack someone who simply doesn't know how emotionally charged that statement was.

What did Trayvon do wrong? What did a 17 year old boy who was walking back from the corner store after buying a pack of Skittles (unarmed) do to deserve being gunned down?  A good kid, stellar student with no gang affiliations, history of violence/trouble making- who was killed by someone who thought he looked suspicious!!!!! What he did wrong was be in a predominately white neighbourhood- in a gated community as a black youth....he actually didn't do anything wrong. He did try to defend himself when he noticed that a man with a gun (who he thought was a sex offender) was following him and closing in- he had the right to defend and protect himself as per the Stand Your Ground Florida Law...isn't that the reason that Zimmerman got off? Or did Zimmerman get off because his father is a retired judge and has actually gotten his son out of 3 arrests already??? Yeah,  though this would have been a great discussion, it would have been a very long one and maybe a very one sided one as well, seeing as perhaps less than a handful of students actually knew the Trayvon Martin trial as well as I did and were as emotionally invested as I am.

I refuse to believe that the "white perspective" is that Travyon did something wrong. Justice is justice and I know many white people who are just as disgusted as I am by this tragedy. Though I know that it's sadly true for some- hence the support of the obviously unjust verdict....I still can't accept that most white people think that way. A black friend of mine said to me- yes she is right- that is the white perspective and you are upset because you are in the black experience of it, you see Trayvon, you see your brother, for most white people it's just another dead black youth. I pondered this for a long time but still can't accept it. I'm black and any unjust murder of any one especially a youth hurts me and I know that I am not alone in feeling this way. We are not that deeply divided (or I hope not).

The comments and questions that I make in my mind are often emotionally charged and controversial- almost never politically correct and I know for a fact that very few would understand where I am coming from. My life has been very rich in experience, some awful and some great but all educational...and for that I am grateful. I am also very interested and well read in black history which always makes me the annoying person at parties that can correct people and explain things in detail- how charming NOT..lol..!!! I've actually been asked to NOT correct people and so I have learned to silence myself. Trayvon Martin is like the old murder case of Emit Till.The Zimmerman verdict is so painful especially within my community because  it's reminiscent of the Jim Crow era when no white man was ever guilty for murdering any black person, it hurts and it's scary. Is covert racism becoming more overt? I think so, I think that it has been since 911 and all of he anti- Muslim hate.

Another time a girl spoke about how Ghanian's view friendship was more distrusting than Europeans and I thought about the slave trade and how being invaded, stolen and forced into slavery may play a role. Also, Africans participated in selling other Africans in order to save themselves- which is still a reason for the rampant distrust amongst Africans- play a huge role as well...but she looked so innocent and nervous and I didn't want to make her feel that she had made a faux pas.

I also cringed when a student mentioned how surprised she was that Japanese students did not acculturate in China with ease and vice versa...it surprised her because of how similar they seem BUT this is not the case. Chinese and Japanese are very different, from different cultures, different governments, speak different languages and have also had a very treacherous violent bloody war history.

In all of these cases, I saw people who had worked hard to prepare presentations for us and who were nervous and I didn't want to be THAT PERSON!!!! That person who stirs the pot and makes people feel uncomfortable.

I'm happy to be THAT PERSON among my friends and family but not so much in class. I'm 34 and most of them are 24 for one and I'm also as I mentioned hyper sensitive when it comes to culture. I do absorb it all like a sponge and I'm loving being a part, though a quiet part of a great synergy!!!! Expressing myself within the capacity of a journal- now that is right up my alley. I feel safe here and I thank you for this opportunity!

I found a great article called :Thin Ice: Stereotype Threat and Black College Students by Claude M. Steele...a very interesting read.

 (Footnote: I'm unable to upload articles and videos for some reason on this blog)